La Boheme - The Philippine Operatic Company Staging.

So I watched La Boheme at the CCP.

There were only one or two standout performances and these belonged to the actors who played Rodolfo and Musetta.

I had taken Andrea to watch it, and for a nine year old she seemed to enjoy it fairly enough.

Catch me in a passive mood and I'd say it was a mediocre production.

Catch me in an expressive one then I'd have to tell you that watching this particular staging of the classic, extravagantly artistic opera made me want to run to the nearest Mercury Drugstore and buy a ton of Omega ointment and take aim at the stage.

The cast had truly wonderful voices that fit the bill - we talk of high Mi Mi Mi and deep resounding La La La voices here, of course... the actors' performances are an entirely different thing.

The man who played Marcello singlehandedly gave me the most gut-wrenching case of the sweats I'd ever had watching a staged performance. He was just so awkward that it was painful just watching him. His voice, deep and vibrant, did not match the amateurish awkwardness of his acting ability - he looked as if he did not know where to put his hands the entire time he was on stage. (Let me take a second here and paint a picture inside your head: in the first act, you are the only one freezing your ass off in an onstage cast of 4 men and you're the only one keeping near the barrel where you've got a bonfire burning and you keep rubbing your hands together in a way more reminiscent of a prep-schooler smearing paint all over his hands than someone who's simplest wish is to keep himself relatively warm). And lord, whenever he was was doing his solo lines, belting them out exquisitely (see I'm being fair) his hand would always find a way to bury itself between the top of his belly and the undershadow of his chest - the corniest boyband pose if there ever was one.

The cast had featured a large cast of children - and by this I mean, people who are of the as currently horizontally challenged and age (in)appropriate group - that, say, below the 15 year old mark.

The children had wonderful voices that made one's belief in their future success solidify in their stomachs. But putting so many of these innocent lambs out on stage was like running those wooden ducks on the shooting booth - no matter how cute and talented they were, their presence made the majority of audience members want to shoot them with a pellet shotgun. Why? Oh let's see... because it's a known fact that children and pets are the most difficult to feature onstage. Again. Why?

Because no matter how organized and strategically placed you teach or direct them to be before the curtain rises, the after part always is an entirely different matter. Their performance was so-so at most, relieving and fresh the first 10 seconds they arrived on stage, and then again so awkward to watch while the whole thing was going on because not only did they look like a group of ants, complete with plastic joy written all over their faces, suddenly running amok - they also moved in one large group, all 20+ so of them - at one point they were a massive wave moving from one end of the stage to another and when they closed in around Musetta's former paramore (ie The Old Guy who Gave a Supremely Amazing Performance) their shocked and amused "laughter" looked so staged and...sa Pinoy, sobrang plastik that you wanted to cringe and slide down your seat to hide until they went away so you could breathe normally again.

Mimi on the other hand, had such a delicately stirring voice that you could not help feeling her pain - but her stage presence made you sort of glad that she was lamenting being sick so that she could hurry up and die already.

And that, friends, brings me to the conclusion.

The conclusion of La Boheme where the cast surround Mimi on her deathbed is supposed to be one of the most heartwrenching scenes you will ever see on the theater stage.

Suffice to say that when you watched the scene during this staging - you wanted to melt and giggle with relief at the knowledge that you finally get to leave the theater and this bunch of amateur behind.

Now, I say amateur because there really is only one person to blame - the "acclaimed" director... who I didn't bother to waste my time on trying to find out his name.

For fear I'd ask a hitman to track him down and ask him to give me back the money I spent on the tickets.

Bottom line:

• La Boheme is the number one and most loved opera in the world.
• The entire cast in this production has large potential.
• Approximately four people in the cast has absolute out-of-the-ballpark operatic voice and acting abilites and fierce stage presence (one of them is the boy who sang a little solo and who therefore outshined the rest of the younger-aged cast)
• BLAME THE DIRECTOR for concoting this modernized, half-assed, unthought out, mechanical, awkward and just BAD staging of this dynamic and timeless opera.

Our thoughts to Maestro Giacomo Puccini who must be turning in his grave.