Who do you tell?

I have just broken up with Nina.

And she may not yet even know.

I sent out the email yesterday, just a few minutes after leaving Sunday Worship at CCF. Yes, I go to church now. I can even say I'm a Born Again Christian without any qualms or bout of angst-ridden giggles.

But I had to leave the relationship that has been with me for a year. Our time was simply up.

For a year, majority of our time together I felt as if I were lying through my teeth.

I loved her, yes.

But who was I kidding?

I'm not in love with her. And perhaps never was.

I have a problem.

I have difficult saying 'No'.

Why is this?

I know that I'm as straight as a rod and yet my playful carelessness and curiosity is now about to come to be a world of pain for somebody else.

At the Christian center yesterday, I had only begun going there around two months ago, I had asked to speak with a councellor for the first time. Tamila was great to me, she did not tell me what to do. But I gathered by reading her that it was probably not in the rules to do so, anyway. She only told me, or rather reminded me of the essentials.

I felt as if I could no longer hold .. This, ME... inside: my seams were bursting and if I did not let it go then there would be a combustion of madness set newly forth into the world from the portal which was my conscience and my being.

I wanted to tell her: Look, Nina. I just want to love God more.

My atheist friends (and in this world we currently live in, there are plenty of those) would snort derisively I'm sure at my expense and my current beliefs and tragedies.

But that's what this is, releasing myself from a relationship that feels and has always been wrong is my Relief, Grace and Tragedy.

I know that I did the right thing. I just feel it in reverberating in my bones. But knowing that Nina would hurt when she reads what I'd written makes my bones feel like ash.

I have difficulty saying No, Tamila observed.

Yes, I answered. Yes, I know that.

So now, that's another thing I am going to have to work on.

I know that God is living in me.

He sees through my actions that I want to live my life for me, and that would in a very direct way once you think about it - be living for Him.

I suppose all I really mean by writing all of this down is:

I wish Nina would not hurt.

If there was someone to blame then it would be me. I would rather she despise me than hurt because of me.

What I pray for today is that God will take care of both of us. That He take care of her and that He would give her everything that she needs.

Dios mio, ayuda me!